Rolf: The Last Mercenary

There's nothing like another chapter in the long history of Italian exploitation, and Rolf is one of the muddier and the grittier ones; coming out in 1983 as fast as possibly can in the wake of First Blood, this revenge tale (of course) borrows heavily from the Stallone vehicle, while the speed of its production really shows in the overall product. Written and directed by Mario Siciliano, a man better known for his prior pornos, that surely says a lot about what we're in for.

Opening to a flashback (which you'd only ever learn later), a group of soldiers violently gun down fleeing villagers as everything burns, they are the former mercenary buddies of our titular hero, Rolf. Rolf now lives a peaceful life as a commercial pilot while seeing his girlfriend Joanna (he says something to the extent of "if I knew you were coming I would have showered" when we first meet her!). When a dead body turns up in Rolf's (mostly unnamed Middle Eastern town), the police blame Rolf for it, seemingly they don't like his past as a mercenary; is the film presenting a nationalistic friction between a caucasian ex-soldier and the people of a race he may have previously killed as some sort of social critique? Or is it just playing the police up to be assholes? They let him off, but not after they've stuck his hand into an unflushed toilet!

When one of Rolf's old war buddies, John (one of the slimiest looking guys since before Clarence Boddicker... woops, just spoiled who the villain is), turns up, he offers him a chance to make $50,000 exporting hard drugs. Rolf declines, but when John makes a crack about his dead mother he has none of it and bashes John's head against a wall before kicking him out! When Joanna hears about him passing up such a sum, he tells her a painful memory of how his prostitute mother was given a drug overdose in front of him by her pimp, along with a bit of expository dialogue on how he was the most athletic in college, but yeah, Rolf's a good clean guy. After spending a good time with his girlfriend, Rolf is caught by his the entire group of his former friends, and they're a colourful bunch of horrid-looking bastards; they beat him up, dislocate his knee and leave him for dead in a bush full of leeches (even after he's reset his own knee!). Police bias prevents them from putting a search out for Rolf, leaving Joanna to look for him on her own, the police do end up being nice enough to stop two rapists following her though! After she finds him, Rolf learns he has been fired from his job, so he gets together with a friend and hijacks a plane loaded with John's drugs, only to piss all over them and hurl them out!

For this, John and his boys break into Joanna's home, and in one of the most uncomfortable sequences ever filmed for a low-budget piece of cash-in trash, take turns raping her; nothing new for this sort of crap, but the ugliness of the men and the incredibly inappropriate porn-like theme in the background blur the line between it being unintentionally hilarious and accidentally offensive. Put it this way, if you imagine someone got off to this scene back when the film came out, that's where it gets worrying, but that can really be said about a lot of things. After discovering the love of his life violated and murdered, Rolf goes to visit his friend Pedro, the survivor of a village massacre committed by the mercenaries, to retrieve some hidden weapons. Rolf invites his new enemies to a forest where the filmmakers can finally rip off First Blood as Rolf devises traps to pick off each of them. He doesn't get to have all the pickings to himself though, as the mercenaries are so horrible they even end up backstabbing each other! When only John and another mecenary are left remaining, John escapes, while the other nameless bastard gets his moment of glory and riddles Rolf's hands with bullets! Rolf, not ready to be defeated by the emotional weight of his girlfriend's death and now his hands being made useless, batters his opponent to death! Hands bloodied and holed, Rolf raises his arms to the sky and proclaims "god help me!"!

From here on out, things get very personal as the police put on an all-out search to find Rolf, Pedro distracts them with a tale that illustrates just how awful his mercenary friends were and how heroic he was in comparison and in his final conquest of revenge Rolf shows that he can still do some amazing things with useless hands! The ending is bleak though, but if it has anything to say, it's that clearly Rolf is the caucasian Jesus incarnate who pays for our sins.

This is a dirty, dirty movie, one that would no doubt be praised higher if its appallingly low production values did not render it such a sigh instead of the bang it's trying to be, but whose to say exploitation movies exactly tried? It has to be said though, some genuine attempts are made at characterization (I say that loosely, Rolf and Joana tell themselves things longtime lovers should probably already know, oh poorly-done exposition), and the villains truly are the biggest bunch of hideous, unlikable sonsuvbitches ever, even if they're presented as having pretty much no reason to be. One of them is so scummy he even steals his fallen comrade's watch and wallet, and then uses his blood as make-up to play dead! Heck, their canteens are even loaded up with cocaine instead of water! If a bit more time was spent on them, it would have been fun seeing their social degradation during the forest in which they all hate each other. The antics of the particularly venomous-looking John are interesting to say the least, he randomly beats up a woman in the street, then randomly forces a bottle down the mouth of another without anyone batting an eye, and then shoves away a woman trying to kiss him! She and her friend bizarrely don't stop though, and seem to pamper him in fondles. Hell, he's just a lonely, tortured soul, just listen to the pain in his voice when the police ask him about friends and he responds with "what friends? I don't know what you're talking about".

Don't misunderstand though and think that these villains are the type to make the acid in your stomach boil at how atrocious they are, the presentation is so bad they just come off as being bluntly bad. In fact, brutality is delivered in spades, but the lack of polish means the effect is never fully illustrated, making many scenes come off as just badly directed with goofy sound effects, no one suffering from the injuries they're receiving and just generally looking very stiffly-done. It doesn't help that there's no subtlety either, and that the violence just keeps on coming. If you want to go by the ideas at play alone, this film is as violent as 2008's Rambo, but without any of the 'oomph'.

Worming out probably unintended symbolism in some of the scenes is very amusing, such as the aforementioned arms-raised-to-heaven scene and how after all his killings Rolf is shown cleaning himself under a waterfall, cleaning himself of all his sons of course. 95% of the scenes have no background foley, making them feel very hollow and taking away and naturalism they could have, it's a definite sign of rushed filmmaking. Admittedly, it is bad that a repeat viewing is what it took to make me like this film (in my defence I was falling asleep when I first watched it), the acting is pretty unnoticeable but it has to be said the dubbing is lifeless and at times incoherent, mainly because the actors barely open their mouths more than a little. At times, it seems they don't even twitch their lips, and in one only other instance, Rolf opens his mouth fully to yell and the dubber's dialogue hilariously doesn't match up.

That said, the music by the great Fabio Frizzi also isn't very up to scratch, with only a  few notable background themes lingering in your head after, the most notable piece of music is however, Rolf's theme song! Yes, Rolf gets this soothing synth-rock melody play at some of the wrong times in the film, but the lyrics are irresistable, and it's the only thing credited in the end titles! As a bit of trivia, some poster art for the film shows Rolf holding a gun he never uses in the film, along with a blonde-haired Joanna clinging to his leg in that objectifying way to make the men seem more manly like posters did back then, but that's not it, the drawing of the woman has been stolen from the poster for Clint Eastwood's The Gauntlet!

This is probably one of the earliest examples of Italy ripping off First Blood, and while it completely blows the likes of Fireback out of the water yet doesn't hold a candle to later Italian movies like Blastfighter, it's watchable in its own right, but only when you've had quite a bit of experience with these films. It's like a grimier prototype for The Intruder. Totally shameless and lacking any serious amount of punch in today's world, Rolf: The Last Mercenary is a rare curiosity, it's definitely in need of a remastered DVD release that bigs up its ridiculous and violent content. In the immortal words of Rolf's theme song... Rolf, your vengeance can't die! The fire in your eyes, says it all!  

• Action: 3/5
• Brutality: The outline of it all is there
• Natural lighting: 5/5 (Godfather it ain't though)

-James, 14 November 2010 (original date)

Title information

• Production company: Metheus Film
• Year of release: 1983

Alternate titles:

• Der Tag des Söldners, "The Day of the Mercenary" (West Germany)
• Viimeinen taistelija, "The Last Fighter" (Finland)
• Rolf: ワイルド・アウトサイダー (Rolf: wairudo autosaidaa) "Rolf: Wild Outsider" (Japan)

Review source: Japanese VHS
Screenshot source: Japanese VHS 

M.D. Geist (original)

You might be wondering why I have chosen to write a separate M.D. Geist review, when already I have written an article that talks quite thoroughly about the entire series. I didn't really review anything, and for a while I've wanted to. If you really want information on this title, go check out my other article, as this is going to be a straight-up review of the untouched 1986 version, warts and all.

Our story begins with a text crawl stating that the "Christian Era" (AKA Anno Domini) has come to a close,  additionally, humans have taken over many planets, but political unrest is still alive, especially on the planet Jerra. It's comforting to know such thought has been weaved into this story already, but let's stop for a moment and skip ahead; M.D. Geist is a 40-minute one-off OVA in which setting and scope has had to be compressed to allow some of the more exploitative elements run freely. Given that, the thin plot is almost entirely acceptable, but let's move on.

The title opens to a bombed-out road literally strewn with skeletons, much like in The Terminator. An aircraft patrols overhead, later revealed to be part of the Nexrum forces, its crew are a bit nervous about the next battle. Suddenly though, a grappling hook attaches itself to the hull of the aircraft, and the pilots find they have an unexpected visitor hanging on. It is of course, Geist, who hurls himself up to the cockpit (funny thing is they make mention about the area being haunted with ghosts, and all of a sudden a man with the German word for ghost as his name pops up to say 'boo' with a rocket launcher). Yes, Geist, grinning, fires a rocket into the cockpit, decapitating one of the pilots (actually his face is probably just being consumed by the blast, but isn't it funny to think of a rocket taking someone's head off?) as it shoots through the ship, blowing up a load of passengers and then he starts blazing bullets into the falling wreckage! Did he really have three guns in one or is it just bad continuity? The reality is something most people miss, and it's that Geist had the rocket launcher on his back all along, it's just seen too briefly, the machinegun also had a grappling hook attachment. The ship starts blowing up and descends while Geist falls freely through the air, the ship eventually becoming engulfed in fire as it crashes. Walking out of the flames is of course, Geist, but with a bullet wound in his head. Either he's just that invincible or he used some sort of make-up. What has to be noted here is the close-up of him is quite obviously just an animator sliding a cel of him up and down until his expression changes, oh dear.

As Geist grins at the camera, synth music and some guitar begins to kick in, as a fairly stiffly-written English display reveals that Geist is a super soldier as created in a genetics experiment, and even though the whole purpose was that he was meant to have extraordinary fighting ability and to be the most dangerous, he was just more hardcore than all the other soldiers and had to be imprisoned in an orbital satellite. This opening is written better than most Engrish eccentricities in anime, but still comes off as a little silly. For whatever reason (probably because of Jerra's undoubtedly eroded atmosphere), Geist's satellite is falling to the surface after the many years he's been away, all the while the awesome Hironobu Kageyama song "Merciless Soldier" plays in the background, its lyrics summing up Geist fairly well. What an entrance this guy has gotten so far; first blowing the shit out of a plane in the most insane way possible, and then by us being shown to his naked ass.

Cutting from that is a biker gang cruelly chasing down an armoured soldier and firing chained spikes through him, before their leader, a huge, nameless Barry White-lookalike hurls a spear through his throat. By the leader's side is his honey Vaiya, but we'll see differently in a minute. The gang want the dead soldier's armour, but stepping out of the blue to claim ownership like any predatory beast, is Geist, who has probably already killed someone to get his clothes. The big boss of the gang offers to let him in or let Geist beat him in a fight. In a single move, Geist slices off both of the guy's hands before shoving the knife into his opponent's skull, he even has enough energy left him to spit out a shocked "you bastard!" before falling down (I actually really like the small details here, such as how the boss [who is actually called Golem according to the comics] is so stiffened with shock that his upper body doesn't move as he falls on his knees, I genuinely mean that too).
Geist helps himself to the armour, only to catch the attention of Vaiya, who offers him a place to stay; yes, she has no time to mourn for the loss of a companion and instead kicks him in the head, she's all about electing the new tough bastard as leader. Geist is swayed by how she has contacts with both sides of the army (the other side being the Regular Army, that Geist was part of), but it's probably obvious that his leadership of the gang is the last thing he gives a damn for. Later at night, the rest of the gang don't like the guy at all, for Vaiya it's different, as she tries to bed him. Interestingly enough, it's quite evident that Vaiya does not see attachment through feelings and more through physical strength, so with Geist's sheer invulnerability, she can't resist herself. This is seen throughout, and in particular a bit more in the Director's Cut, I actually do consider it a good character point and that it reflects Jerra's current social standards among the hoodlums who have no restrictions and just need to stay alive. Despite her attempts to arouse him, Geist has gotten what he's needed out of her, and promptly hurls her off the bed.

Moving onward, Geist is now clean-shaven with freshly cut hair, but looking badass as usual. A massive Regular Army landtank is under fire from Nexrum mechs and Vaiya's plan is to help out either side in hopes of them receiving some money, so it looks like there is at least still a surviving economy on Jerra. Vaiya thinks Geist should go side with the Nexrum's new machinery, but he thinks they can get more out of helping the weaker party, and opts to aid the Regular Army tank. Heading the tank is Col. Krutes who is trying to fight off the enemy machines that are clinging to his ship and ripping it apart. Geist zooms past on his motorbike and shoots down a few of the Nexrum mechs, and just as he passes Krutes' turret, the old colonel seems to recognise Geist immediately, particularly by spotting his dog tag. After knocking a female biker off her bike for no reason, Geist pretty much abuses all the other gangmembers to see to it that the Nexrum machines are destroyed, be it with spears being thrust their cockpits or by breaking in and stabbing the pilots with knives that have grenades attached to them. It's crazy, gory and the music is awesome.

Krutes invites Geist and Vaiya on board to thank them, but refuses to give them any money, which is only a blow to Vaiya as Geist couldn't care less. Krutes actually doesn't want Geist helping them as he tells his men about the MDSes, a.k.a., the Most Dangerous Soldiers, and that they were just too much to handle. Regardless, the men see Geist as a massive boon to them and Krutes has no choice but to bring him on to the mission. In a fairly strange sequence, Krutes explains that the men must invade a complex they apparently built to shut down a doomsday programme that has initiated thanks to the assassination of a president on Jerra; with this, I can only assume the complex (unforgettably known as the Brain Palace, sorta like a mangled translation of "headquarters" to me) went into total lockdown mode and wanted to ensure that no one could stop it. The doomsday weapon is Final Program D: DEATH FORCE.

In all honesty, as much as I love M.D. Geist, it feels like it falls apart a little at this point, but then again it's just trying to be an entertaining 40-minute OVA, my problem is that even for its own standards, things start slipping apart and continuity goes to shreds. Geist seems to have fully customized and gained new parts for the armour he took off the dead soldier so it looks nothing like it did previously (and looks like one of the coolest suits of armour ever), and the battle at Brain Palace is just an excuse to make quick use of his weapons, as his polearm promptly disappears after one use and he only ever uses the grenade launcher on his rifle, sticking mainly to his rocket launcher. Then again, it's most likely things were just cramped in the running time so they had to be used, that, and all those weapons like the polearm may have caused a problem for Geist. I can't fully complain though, it's an entertaining sequence with kick-ass music and Geist in his armour is so cool, it's just a shame he never got to do more with some of his weapons.

Krutes' men all die in the battle, and in a bizarre exchange between him and Geist (it's perhaps the subtitles), Krutes claims that "they're all dead! Again!", is the "again" meant to allude to something from the past? Anyway, Krutes reveals that he set up Geist up and pits him against an unstoppable robot while he goes off to be the hero, it's an interesting fight scene as the robot goes through three phases like the Final Boss of a game, and all of its forms are nicely designed. Geist defeats the last form of ripping off the power cables to his suit's engine and burying them into the robot's circuits, causing it to explode. Krutes shuts off the countdown in time, and is the big hero, he is even greeted by the smouldering, trembling robot he used against against Geist, only for it to fall over and reveal... Geist! Suspenseful this title is not. Geist crushes Krutes' face and is embraced by Vaiya, but as most people might already know thanks to the Internet, he re-activates the countdown, just to see the world burn. I have to admit, this ending is handled a little nicely, it's fun hearing the alarm sound as Geist's eyes twitch scarily when the announcement is made that the Death Force robots are being released.

Okay, I've discussed most of what I liked about the entire M.D. Geist series in my other article, so I'll just talk about the flaws with this one; the biggest of its problems is that it's obviously a woefully low-budget production, with very little revision to certain areas of animation. Some pieces are even recycled more than once. It also doesn't help that this was director Koichi Ohata's first ever feature, who was only 23 at the time and was a mechanical designer, not a director. This original episode was released with director credit being paid to Hayato Ikeda, who was apparently brought in just to assist Ohata, and that the company behind it didn't want to look bad. To me, Ikeda may as well have been a pseudonym, as he had done no work previously and he has never worked after, so it can only be assumed that he was just someone with a smidge more directorial knowledge than Ohata. There's actually a fair amount of background detail in some scenes and the animation is not too bad, though it does get ugly at a few parts.

For the record, I don't view anime any different from how I view other entertainment mediums, so I have no subconscious need to rate this one lowly just because the rest of anime is "high art", it really isn't at all. 
Amidst his fledgling ability and lack of refinement, Ohata's apparent aim at the time was to create the antithesis of typical anime, and it would appear that he's succeeded; Geist is stoic and designed to kill, thrown into the role of protagonist while being incapable of caring for anyone, therefore rejecting the token damsel and dooming the world. Vaiya is a jackal and Krutes is just barely holding together a failing platoon at the end of the world. No one is sweet and innocent; Geist kills because he was made to, Vaiya exploits and Krutes is part of the reason why Jerra is in such a mess. It's egotistical to the character and Geist's antithetical behaviour of typical heroes is celebrated; when the ending kicks in, the Kageyama song "Violence of the Flame" pretty much glorifies his beligerant style, contrasting to what should be dark. Vomited back into a nuked-out world where biker gangs kill remorselessly against a backdrop of two dying forces just killing each other for domination's sake, with only what the military programmed him to do inside his head, is there any reason for Geist to try and save it? Compared to everyone else, he's just vying to keep himself occupied. He's not so much evil, he's just killing whatever gets in his way, and with no military instituion holding him back, he may as well just make more battle for himself until he has completely ran his course. If you scratch the surface a little of its limited characters, you can find a lot.

If you love 80s OVAs, you've probably already seen this and made your opinion, but if you do like these dystopian stories set in the desert that share similarities to many exploitation movies of the 80s, of if you just want a 40-minute actioneer, check this out, it's miles above the standard of modern 'cute girl' anime today, trashy as it is.

Strike Commando

For a long time I considered Full Metal Jacket my favourite film, for how much I had spent analysing it, as well as how it was virtually perfect in every way. I've had other films that I've shared the same enjoyment with, but all of those have had to be pushed aside for one rogue title, one that's so unoriginal and at the same time so original, one that's not even so-bad-it's-good but instead so utterly transcendent that it is immediately elevated to the highest level of cinematic genius. This title is the 1987 Bruno Mattei epic, Strike Commando.
Before I go on, I have to say that I am almost having trouble thinking of how I want to review this, as this movie is so out-of-this-world, that it deserves not a single spoiler, and that you should make it your job to find a bootleg copy immediately. Find it and revel in one of the most insane experiences that shouldn't be legal to enjoy. For everyone else, read on.  

If you know Mattei, you'll know that this movie steals quite shamelessly from bigger Hollywood titles, and getting knocked off this time around is Rambo: First Blood Part 2 (as well as a bit of Mad Max 3). The Strike Commandos, led by Michael Ransom as played by the blond juggernaut Reb Brown, are trying to get rid of a camp in Vietnam. Unfortunately, the operation goes belly-up when commanding officer Col. Radek (Christopher Connelly) sets off the detonators too quickly because he just wants results, so the Commandos die, save for Ransom, who at the last minute was blown into a lake. Ransom gets washed up at a Vietnamese village led by a French man named Le Due (Luciano Pegozzi, who has played alongside Reb before, most notably in Yor: The Hunter from the Future). There, Ransom befriends a Vietnamese boy called Lao, who has dreams of seeing the wonderland that is America, where ice cream and pop corn grow on trees (if Reb Brown says it, it must be true, Micahael Ransom could never be cold enough to build up a child's hopes). The only thing is, these Vietnamese are beset by the communists, so Ransom volunteers to off them all until he can get back to America, while promising to take the Vietnamese with him. Le Due is killed by an ENORMOUS Russian meathead named Jakoda (Alex Vitale) during the scuffle though, and his body is found by Ransom.

From here it enters into Rambo 2 territory (though that's not to say half the action in this isn't already from Rambo 2, just get sight of Ransom hiding camouflaged against a tree to knife someone); Radek tells Ransom to go back into Vietnam with proof of the communists there (even though Ransom has just dropped a communist badge into his hand that Le Due stole from Jadoka just before he died) and is given a camera, in exchange Ransom wants Radek to liberate the Vietnamese who helped him. Much of this though is immediately tossed aside as Radek is revealed to be in league with the communists and is just trying to off Ramson, what follows is a blood-pumping spectacle of Reb Brown going batshit insane and killing communists left and right for how they murdered Lao and his dream. Ransom's fury is interspersed with drama told through unforgettably funny performances, and some stock footage of helicopters here and there.

Strike Commando is definitive schlock material, but it actually feels like it knows it is. This movie is almost a parody of the many "remakesploitation" movies that so many directors like Mattei were notorious for, especially with villains like Jakoda speaking with a stereotypical Russian accent and spitting "Americanski" at puny red, white and blue-blooded Michael Ransom. Reb gratuitously stabs, blows up and breaks the necks of every commie he comes across, while riddling the rest with bullets and popping one-liners like crazy. Reb is also fucking superhuman in this, being able to swim away from boats a second before they've exploded, not to mention, yelling like a beast after bashing in communist skull. As if the buckets of action weren't enough, the movie ends on an unashamedly funny climax; enjoy a split second of an action man doll being blown up for someone's death before Reb walks off into the sunset, basically laughing at the ridiculousness you've just seen. You can't help but feel everyone walked away from this with a smile on their faces.

While Christopher Connolley's acting skills are the only ones worth a damn, the likes of Reb, Vitale and various others are GOLDEN; you have never seen anguish as handled by a cuddly brick shithouse who is scrunching his face up while holding a dying boy in his hands who is smiling, while telling him about Disneyland. Claudio Fragasso's script is rich with hilarious lines and other dialogue that no one in their right mind should find entertaining. Neither Reb, Vitale or any of the blank-round-firing extras have lines in which the delivery of them fail to amuse. Also, Ransom using a pair of infrared goggles that appear to do nothing but still let him see where the enemy is, bizarre, of course it just leads to him riddling a load of huts with bullets while screaming. You've also got to love him saying goodbye in German when he thinks it's Russian, intentional or not? Who knows.

Production values are fairly middle-of-the-road for Mattei here, there's some decent cinematography but a definite overcharge of stock footage, especially when it seems they were able to get a real helicopter, it's cheap without being too cheap though (see Robowar). Speaking of which, several lines in this re-appear in Robowar, as if part of some running gag, there's also no scarcity of explosions in this, be them huts, miniatures, pools of water or people blowing up.

This is first-hand proof of the entertainment Mattei and his crew were capable of, what's certain is that there is nothing else quite like it. Be sure to check it out, it's an unforgettable ride.

• Explosions: 5/5
• Italy being nice enough to show the world America kicks ass: 5/5
• Reb Brown: Oh god it's off the scale 

-James, 17 October 2009 (original date)

Bridge to Hell

There is no denying that every cult movie fan has seen at least one crazy Italian exploitation movie in their lifetime. These tend to usually stem from a small group of directors working with various genres depending on the current craze at the time; whether it be the notorious zombie and cannibal genres to the downright outlandish action and war movies, Italy always have a crazy low-budget spectacle up their sleeve ready to pounce on an unsuspecting audience and secure a cult following regardless of the overall quality. One of the most famous exploitation directors throughout the 60s, 70s and 80s was undoubtedly Umberto Lenzi.

Throughout his career, Lenzi has created a humongous following through specific movies depending on the genre. He is primarily responsible for the birth of the cannibal genre with 1972's Deep River Savages leading to a bloody, viscera spewing crescendo with 1981's Cannibal Ferox (with music by Flipper). Despite this, Lenzi also contributed several films to the 'Polizia' (Police drama) genre including Violent Naples (1976) and Brothers Till We Die (1978); earlier than that Lenzi dabbled with the bullet spewing war dramas culminating in Battle of the Commandos (1969) and The Biggest Battle (1978). Bridge To Hell is one of the last of his war tales made when his career started to falter, as late as 1986. This particular film is often considered to be arguably Lenzi's worst project as well as one of the downright worst war dramas ever released. Being a fan of war movies, I took it upon myself to uncover this oddity and judge it for myself; this being my first Lenzi film I certainly hope his other films are an improvement but I will let the film speak for itself.

Now normally I would not mention the title sequence of a film but Bridge To Hell certainly has one of the weirdest theme tunes of any film in terms of its context. This is mainly due to the fact that despite the movie taking place during the middle of WWII, the music is entirely synthesized which comes off as largely inappropriate making certain dramatic scenes cheesier than they already are. Now you maybe thinking that the music must be pretty awesome because it's 80s synth, well too bad there is only around THREE whole tracks repeated verbatim throughout the 87 minute running time. God bless z-grade budgets.

The film begins much like how it progresses with a scene of our partisan heroes evading Nazi capture after escaping from a camp in Sarajevo. After encountering a genderly challenged child named Igor, they stumble upon a group of resistance fighters offering to help. We are introduced to our main characters: Bill Rogers an American pilot, Mario Espozi an Italian infantryman and Blinz a deserter from the Whermacht. To round off this 'manly' proceeding is our lone female partisan Vanya who naturally is hit on (in the most unerotic conversation ever) by Mario which results in their relationship progressing......nowhere. The leader of the rag tag group who remains nameless (along with 95% of the other cast members) offers our heroes the chance at some payback by flying a few planes to fend off German patrols as well as an armoured train carrying supplies. Shortly after a scene of schizophrenic bullet spraying and toy bomb chucking, the leader of the partisans celebrates this epic stock footage battle with the simple cry of 'YAY!' Powerful stuff indeed.

After a brief tangent in the plot about Blinz possibly sabotaging aircraft because he is Austrian (subtle), we learn that the partisans had only those two aircraft in their arsenal. Continuity decides to off itself however, as another mission is sent out to blow a bridge allowing Nazis to cross over involving a FULL squad of fighter planes, which apparently according to the dialogue belong to the partisans. I will leave you to decide how large that plot hole is for a second. When their fighter plane crashes, Bill and Mario assault a patrol of soldiers with Bill according to the camera angle sticking a knife up the unlucky guy's ass. Trying not to be immature here, but from here it looks like sodomy.

Through the magic of jump cuts, partisan passes (?), near death by firing range and even more stock footage (cutting corners for the win) our merry band of uncharismatic dullards stumble upon a nunnery which Vanya used to belong to (Lenzi's great idea for character development right here). According to the nuns, the Germans have been attempting to raid their monastery purely to steal gold from orders of a 'General Hitler'. Naturally our heroes decide to take after their enemy and take it themselves, because hey we have to make our protagonists seem dirty right? These scenes also feature political incorrectness that would make the BBC wince in terror including how the nuns believe that 'all Americans and Russians are the same, they worship Satan'.

More godawful romantic tension between Mario and Vanya ensues as she strips off at a lake for a bath; no boobies for you mister, it's a PG movie by the way. Moving on, a few Nazi officers prepare to defend the titular bridge to HELL. This conversation involves a lot of saluting and eevviilll synth music so everybody knows these guys are bad to the bone. The partisans, disguised as German soldiers infiltrate the bridge through a truck that through the power of editing once again keeps changing from grey to green and back again. After a misplaced shootout occurs in a communications block (including epic milk bottle abuse), our heroes come under attack from a German battalion in what is quite possibly one of the most poorly edited shootouts in movie history. The camera specifically during tracking and close up shots moves at a frenetic pace meaning everything becomes an impossible whirlwind of cuts and just plain awkward continuity mistakes. For example it will show some stock footage of German soldiers firing in the direction of a character, cut to said character running towards the screen with no effects or sounds indicating he is under attack. Moreover, there is a brief shot of German soldiers lobbing grenades which immediately cuts to an explosion near a machinegun nest indicating that they were aiming for their own soldiers.

Blinz while setting explosives to destroy the bridge is shot and falls through manner of floppy mannequin to his death. Emotional resonance at this scene = nil. The bridge is successfully destroyed and the rest of our team escape. Vanya stays with the resistance leaving Mario and Bill while taking the nun's gold back to the monastery, this mildly irks them so they steal a nearby fighter plane. Because that plan worked so well before; predictably they get shot down and surprisingly (sarcasm) meet up with Vanya and the resistance fighters again after literally 5 minutes. They tag along and the movie...ends. No I am not exaggerating when I say the movie's narrative has literally gone in a circle. Well at least it had a moderate body count I guess.

I won't beat around the bush, Bridge To Hell is one hell of a terrible movie. The characterisations are bland, dull and overall carry no significance towards the story; the plot carries no tension or emotional weight whatsoever, almost like Lenzi made up the plot as he went along adding whatever he could find from the big book of war cliches. Certain stretches of scenes can be edited in any order and it would not make a little bit of difference to the film's structure; continuity, as stated before, is glaringly obvious in how poor it is not just with props, but also with the editing and in particular the dialogue. Action scenes suffer from being filmed with amateur camerawork consisting of dodgy close-ups, jittery tracking shots and liberal use of washed out stock footage. Acting is largely lifeless, with few really standout ironic phrases meaning chuckles are few and far between.


All this is made sadly obvious by the budget which is extremely low even by exploitation standards, which nearly cripples this movie of a sense of atmosphere leaving it a hollow and downright frustrating mess. Is it the worst war movie ever? Not quite, but it hangs on by the skin of its teeth narrowly avoiding garbage like The Last Drop. Unless you are a really hardcore fan of Umberto Lenzi's work and WWII films in general, this one should be given a miss. No wonder it is so obscure, this truly is Third Reich forgotten junk.

• Inappropriate synth music? Gnarly.
• Liberal use of stock footage: 4/5
• Worst ending in movie history? It's up there. 

-Oli, 13 October 2009 (original date)

Baoh

Shonen nowadays in anime fandom is certainly one of the most profitable, not to mention most popular genres in geekdom today. Whether its multi-coloured 'ninjas', glowing dudes with exploding tunics or teenagers with giant sword fetishes, watching men and women beat each other senseless for multiple episodes certainly has become a popular otaku's pastime.

Believe it or not though throughout the 1980's, Shonen was not the biggest genre in anime; very few of these titles were released in the West during this time, what little was released included the Fist of the North Star (Hokuto No Ken) movie and the Guyver OVA series. However perhaps one of the most obscure Shonen Jump properties licensed during the early days of anime fandom is the 1989 45 minute OVA Baoh - The Visitor, released by AnimEigo.

Baoh was adapted from a short-lived two volume series created by Hirohiko Araki from 1984 to 1985, who is most renowned for his long running series Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. Upon watching Baoh, many older fans will notice a remarkable similarity in both design and story layout to Yoshiki Takaya's Guyver manga which actually began around the same time of 1985. While Baoh technically came first, there is no doubt that both properties bear a striking similarity. For example, both series follow protagonists who are infected by a parasite that controls the host and grants them great physical power; as well as that both stories deal with mega-corporations and their genetically altered creations hunting down our hero. Oh, not to mention both series contain ridiculous amounts of ingeniously gory deaths to boot. With that, let the macho mega-manliness commence...

We begin on an armoured train carrying a young man by the name of Ikuro Hashizawa, as the evil weapons corporation known as Doress experiments with his body. They implant him with a parasite known as Baoh granting him near immortality and the ability to transform into a powerful mutant, which also includes elbow swords of course. Doress also is hunting down the most mature looking nine year old girl (already I am worried where this is going) called Sumire, an escapee who happens to be...psychic. It appears to me that in the 1980s, if you were a young girl in Japanese animation you were either psychic or possible lolicon material. Twice in a row I have had this cliche, a drinking game is in order. Weirdly enough, Sumire also happens to have a pet which looks almost exactly the same as the fox-squirrel Teto from Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind; the only major difference is that the tail has the most rocking afro to which I will refer to it as Superfly.

The man behind all this dastardly mayhem is Dr. Kasuminome, coming off as a cross between the colonel from Akira and the roundest Kinder egg. Along for the ride is his blue bombshell of an assistant Sophine, played by late veteran voice actress Yo Inoue (Sayla Mass, Kanuka Clancy) and various lackeys which I will detail over the course of the story. Ikuro awakens with his science fiction bondage gear intact and along with Sumire, outwit their foes and escape. The maniacal doctor vows to eliminate the boy so that the outside world does not learn about the Baoh experiment; the next day, the two strike an awkwardly abrupt friendship as they share their origins and trade off ideas about what to do to outrun Doress' goons. I love how this all feels like I am suspecting a sudden romance to blossom despite the fact there is an eight year gap between our compatriots, we can live in hope.

Out of nowhere an assassin named 'No. 22' (hooray for lazy writing), guts Ikuro in the middle of the street; however Ikuro manages to slowly drag himself across the street to a nearby motorcycle and escapes.....while the assassin STANDS THERE, watches him and Sumire leave without even thinking about I don't know...chasing them? After reporting back to Doress HQ of his situation, No.22 eventually takes up the chase while another lackey known as Colonel Dordo (sounds a bit dirty) explains how he 'never misses his target.' Oh, he is so dead. We are also informed of Baoh's apparent only weakness: complete cremation of the host's corpse. Chance of that happening in this show = none. To add just a little bit more exposition and possible random animal violence, Dr. Kasuminome demonstrates the power of Baoh by implanting the parasite in a dog for a brief and gory battle against a tiger. Koichi Ohata would be so proud. The parasite turns out to be manufactured by Doress mainly to sell off to unknown military powers as a powerful biological weapon, such innovative and groundbreaking storytelling we have here.

Anyway, No.22 follows Ikuro and co. to an isolated convenience store where he promptly stabs Ikuro again, because it really stopped him the first time; after No.22 prepares to torch the poor guy, the blade starts rising out of Ikuro's rapidly pulsating chest and he starts to fully transform into what is called Baoh's 'Armed Phenomenon'. Because the words 'final' and 'form' just were not hardcore enough for this show. Ikuro successfully overtakes the fleeing assassin and melts the guys face by squeezing it, forcing him to crash into the building. Immediately afterwards, Dordo is sent out with an 'elite' military squad which naturally is eliminated by Baoh after leaving Sumire behind to be the damsel in distress. Here within the span of about one minute, we are introduced to many of Baoh's powers which include the aforementioned elbow swords (wonder where I have seen that before?) as well as spikes from his hair which melt your head; not to mention he can still squeeze your face dry. With the use of the electrifying hairdo technique he manages to scar Dordo enough so that we reveal his true identity.....a terminator? Cue Brad Fiedel music score. After acquiring Sumire, Dordo makes it certain to our hero that he will most definetly be back. Yep, my bad puns have run dry.

With his sheer tenacity Ikuro via the magic of jump cuts manages to climb the rock face below Doress headquarters not while partaking in the shortest fight ever with Dordo. Aw, he just wanted to say how totally badass his one armoured bullet was. Believe me, this OVA has the common courtesy to explain everything that is happening on screen like it's intended audience has no eyes. How did Ikuro manage to figure out where their headquarters is you're probably wondering, he followed Sumire's um..scent. I will leave you to think that through for a minute. Several cataclysmic head explosions later, we are introduced to yet another monstrosity by the name of Walken. Picture if Rambo joined the Village People and you'd get my drift. Walken is also revealed to be a Native American and is the most powerful psychic on earth. I think Lucifer from Angel Cop wants a word with you.

After Boah is cornered by Walken's 'Molecular Air Motion Wave' attack, he resorts to slicing off his left arm and flinging his right elbow sword into the burly psychic's head seemingly killing him. Remember that there is about ten minutes left so don't count on that. With Sumire saved by a blood-soaked kiss (quick someone find the peadophile general!) from Baoh they plan for a daring escape; however Walken is pretty miffed at this point as his full psychic power has been released from his torn bandana. I think this show actually has the record for the largest number of random plot points pulled straight out of cliche guidelines 101 I have ever seen. The now boggled Doctor along with Sophine attempt to escape in a pod but are abruptly delayed by Baoh's finishing blow to Walken and his sugar-induced fit involving the most obviously placed and pointed out laser gun ever. Oh and I forgot to mention Baoh has electricity running through it, go figure. Long story short, Baoh blows Walken away after the Doctor shouts the name of the finishing move like a fighting game announcer with both him and Sophine slain by falling stallactites. He has one last breath to utter a speech on how Baoh is the ULTIMATE WEAPON! naturally. The show ends with Ikuro being swept under by the wreckage of Doress HQ as it falls apart with Sumire yearning to see him again as a badass closing song plays.

I will happily admit that Baoh is arguably one of the most braindead animes I have ever seen, the film is full of stock characters with little to no personality save for some contrived exposition. Not to mention, the writing is so hammy and nonsencial it almost descends into self-parody with nearly every scene narrated by one character to fully get across that everything that is happening on screen is VERY IMPORTANT. The dub recorded by Coastal Carolina Sound Studios cranks up the campiness to new heights, the actors themselves don't act that badly but the way they overdramatise every line of dialouge means all dramatic tension is shot. This being a source of unintentional hilarity makes Baoh very entertaining for bad dub afficionados. Despite the derivative nature of the story, there is surprisingly a good deal to like about Baoh. While the typical 80's ultra-violence is as prevalent as ever here, the animation itself for the most part is surprisingly fluid for such an obscure release with some relatively detailed character designs to boot by Masayuki Yamaguchi (Doomed Megalopolis, Macross Plus). Baoh is good old fashioned 80's Shonen shlock with a near non-existent story, above average animation and character designs, bucketfuls of gore and jam packed with hilariously clunky exposistion. Director Hiroyuki Yokoyama went on to direct very few projects after Baoh, the most noticeable aspects of his resume include being a Unit Director on ZZ Gundam as well as Gundam 0080. Baoh is now one of AnimEigo's rarest out of print releases alongside Crusher Joe and Arcadia of My Youth so finding the DVD release at a decent price is going to be no easy feat. However online it is very easy to find and download through torrents. So if you tire of the current Shonen mayhem or are looking for dumb fun with out it being obnoxious, Baoh is certainly not a bad choice for the anime action junkie.

• Shonen cliches: The whole list
• Ripoff of Guyver? Oh, be quiet.
• Gratuitous nudity? Sadly no. 

-Oli, 25 August 2009 (original date)

Cybernetics Guardian

Having just come off the massive article that was G-Saviour, this one is going to be short and sweet, though I'd honestly love to make it longer.

The title of this OVA is actually Seijuki Cyguard/聖獣機サイガード, "Seijuki" meaning "Holy Beast", the "Cybernetics Guardian" part is actually a subtitle stuck on the Japanese release explaining the abbreviation. For whatever reason it became the name of the OVA when released outside of Japan, for this article it will simply be called Cyguard.

Make no mistake, Cyguard, like many 80s OVAs, is as braindead as they come (just not to the same excessive lows as Roots Search), but for that reason, it's a pretty harmless display of violence and sci-fi, the general norm of 80s OVAs, though it's not bad at all. This is one that I think is quite underrated, being the second directorial feature of Koichi Ohata, the man who will forever be notorious for angering anime fans everywhere with M.D. Geist (<3), it seems to have a bit of a negative rep against it. Being released in 1989, three years after M.D. Geist, it's a polished improvement, but not without a few faults. Most importantly though, it's entertaining, doesn't play itself up to be any bigger than it is, and delivers on being an enjoyable watch, it's just a shame this title isn't as well known.

Taking place in 2019 A.D. in the city of Cyberwood (a city that is as literal as its name makes it out to be, though it honestly looks good), a new material has been discovered (back in 1995 no less), known as Astenite, which absorbs human psycho-wave energy and is greatly beneficial when infused with technology, so things like medical treatment have greatly improved. SGC ("Central Guard Company", but oh well, Engrish prevails, I'm surprised the dub didn't alter this to something like "Sentry"), the primary user of Astenite technology has been able to harness the instinct to survive as physical energy.

John Stalker of SGC is testing the Astenite Guardian, a mechanical suit designed by his girlfriend Leyla, which will perform bloodless and non-violent arrests on the citizens of the city's slum sector, Cancer (DEEP SYMBOLISM). Rival Adler, a rich snob with crazy purple hair (if you couldn't tell he was the villain from his pale skin tone and unusual name, then you're pretty stupid) just wants to kill all the violent paupers. With that as his motive, he has hired a cult to use their supernatural forces to deal with John; his suit is exploded while he is in it. Fortunately, John gets off with only being hospitalised with a few burns while Adler is furious about how he never died; in the night though, John is kidnapped by members of the cult, which gains the attention of a rough cop named Gordon.     

Gordon drops a tip off to Adler and Leyla that John is somewhere in Cancer, Adler believes there's no hope for him, but when Leyla shows that she's confident he's alive and tells him he grew up in Cancer, Adler makes his way down there in shock; he made the grave mistake of asking the cult of Doldo to deal with John and Astenite Guardian, the same cult who implanted the "seeds of evil" into John and several other children, in hopes of one day being able to awake their god of violence and destruction, Saldo. These other people however have consequently died, and John seems to be the cult's last choice, so Adler has ultimately led them to him by asking them to dispose of him, instead they landed him in a place in which he's easy pickings. Adler, being the ignorant sod he is, just wants to kill John for coming from Cancer; he fails to, as John has already inherited the entity of Saldo and is now going on a rampage, while Leyla must find a way to purify him before Adler can go all out with a weapon of his, the "Genocyber".

The plot thankfully does not feel jammed together though certain things are not so obvious at first, its biggest downfall is that it is paced so that the silver-armoured "pure" Saldo starring on the box does not get a lot of screen time, instead we mostly see John in the evil version of the armour; granted, this is just as entertaining, but it still would have been nice to see more of the abilities of the pure armour. It feels as if the whole thing is really setting up for a bigger story (as the ending heavily hints toward), but unfortunatley, Cyguard never got a follow up (if Geist got one, this surely could have too, but alas). There really isn't a lot of characterization but that doesn't harm it too much, especially as this is a one-shot OVA. If this was a full series, I would have liked to have seen the characters be more devloped, particularly the cop character Gordon, just because he seems so cool. Despite this, Cyguard is an entertaining 40 minutes of violence, nicely original character designs, some superb art direction and smooth animation; much like the original M.D. Geist, there are some fantastic mechanical designs at work here, the Saldo armour is brilliant. The dub isn't too bad, there's nothing great but there's a few decent performances, I'm just glad it's not as bad as the dub in M.D. Geist II: Death Force. There's quite a funny scene of a mayor during his campaign in this, in which he gives quite a blatantly ridiculous talk of how Cancer needs love, only to his have head torn off.

While there unfortunately was no sequel, a model kit of the pure Saldo armour was sold in Japan. Also, this review cannot be ended without mention being made of its music; Cyguard features a gloriously awesome, 80s heavy metal soundtrack by Trash Gang that sounds utterly fantastic, I had to buy their album. I'm pained to say though it appears to be their only work, even though there is a song in the OVA that does not appear on the album, as it's some truly great metal material, I can only hope they formed into some other band. Additional music in Cyguard sounds pretty good too, but it looks like none of it was ever released. It's a shame there's not a lot on this OVA, it should really be recommend to fans of cyberpunk and anyone just looking for a quick, enjoyable title.

• Mechanical design: 4/5
• Heavy Metal: 5/5
• Strikingly obvious symbolism: Yes we get Cancer is a shithole Mr. Ohata

Roots Search

Rip-offs, if you pardon the bad pun, are certainly nothing new. During the 1980s, cash-ins on action as well as science-fiction blockbusters were certainly very common; many b-movie directors from across the globe have always sought to show their 'original' take on a well-trodden story or popular idea. While live-action movies have their plethora of blatant knock-offs, animation has for the most part been spared of such ideals. Instead many directors chose to inspire their work from other sources. In particular, Japan has borrowed many story and design ideas from series and movies from America and vice versa. Take for example how the mega-popular OVA series Bubblegum Crisis borrowed the artistic design and the dystopic atmosphere whole-heartedly from cyberpunk tales like Blade Runner; however that series along with many others of the same ilk have built around those foundations with new ideas and elements that feel less like they are trying to cash in and more like they care about creating a new world that defines a genre rather than adhere to tired formulas.

Unfortunately, in the case of Roots Search - Life Devourer X/ルーツ・サーチ 食心物体Ｘ, its prime directive was to be a total ripoff of the 1979 movie Alien. Believe me when I say that this 45 minute OVA from 1986 (the year that also brought us the infamous M.D. Geist) truly is a standout piece of derivative dreck.

However before we delve into the show itself, lets have a quick look at the front cover for the tape this was originally released on. An otherworldly, ominous looking oil painting of a woman sleeping in a Gigeresque cryogenic container resembling a Space Jockey. Of course, the artwork has absolutely no relevance to the show and even the title bears little connection. Roots Search? Perhaps its delving back into the roots of civilization? Bah-dum-tish. Funnily enough the blood red title font as it dissolves into space reminds me of a horrible skid mark left in a public bathroom; a sign of things to come perhaps?

Roots Search takes place in outer space aboard the Tolmeckius Research Center where the barebones crew of three experiments on our main character, a girl by the name of Moira. Despite her appearence coming off like an 11 year old's first attempt at drawing a Toshiro Hirano character, she with little to no explanation turns out to have psychic or 'ESP' powers and with the power of fantasy cliches is able to see into the future; including a sneak peek at the possible gruesome fates that her crew may just face at the hands of a possible plot device. The three other characters include Scott, a scientist with a rather creepy and underdeveloped attraction to Moira. Marcus whos facial hair is so grizzled I half expected him to have a secret job at the Daily Bugle and a pudgy technician by the name of Norman.

After a small out of control ship known as the 'Green Planet' warps dangerously close to the research station, an investigation is sent out to find possible casualties. Unsurprisingly all of the crew are discovered dead at the scene apart from one man. Soon after, Norman discovers a comatose alien seemingly dormant onboard the 'Green Planet'. Funny how there is absolutely no build up to the appearence of the alien, possibly because the design of this monster is so dire and laughable. Imagine if the Creature from the Black Lagoon was draped in a wet bed sheet. After Marcus has a hissy fit about the alien possibly killing off most of the Green Planet's crew, he heads to his quarters where his mind is psychically assaulted by the creature presenting itself as a Dr Wily lookalike named Raymond blaming him for his suicide and subsequently impaling him onto the ceiling with sharp slabs of the wall which literally appear out of nowhere. Riveting.

After that hilariously unconvincing death we cut back to the surviving member of the Green Planet awaking to the delight of Moira who soon discovers along with Scott, Marcus' corpse draped on the ceiling. Scott however isn't phased and quickly kills the mood: 'That's too gory for a young woman to have to see.' Cue awkward philosophising by Moira about the meaning of life and death; because in space no one can hear you preach. Soon after that, Scott and Norman are systematically killed off in more poorly constructed and animated demises (mainly comprised of strobe lights and dull past visions)  by the alien's psychic power. These visions are mainly designed as a means of ham-handedly developing the characters but instead feels futile and ends up as just another way to add extra padding to such a barebones story. Our last remaining male, the survivor Buzz explains to Moira how the alien invades peoples minds and kills them despite the fact I am sure the audience figured that out ten minutes previously. Moira reluctantly believes Buzz's idea explaining that: 'Even if it turns out you're an alien, I believe what you said.' Do I sense a contrived romance coming on?
The alien starts to contaminate the ship by way of spreading tentacles which resemble gelatinous coffee stains mixed with fruit loops trying to ensnare our protagonists claiming that 'In the name of God, I will kill all you humans.' Yes, it talks. Perhaps the alien came from the Nicolas Cage school of prophesising. After an out-of-the blue smooch, we cut to Moira and Buzz frolicking naked (?) through a field intertwined with them attempting to escape before the ship transforms into a throbbing tumour. The OVA does not even have a real ending per se as Moira and Buzz wake up after an explosion still onboard the crippled ship as they announce hand in hand that they will escape no matter what........uh what was the point of this show then? Anti-climax thy name is Roots Search.

So if the glacially paced plot, phony philosophising and the one dimensional characters haven't bored you to tears yet, the animation of this OVA will have your fingers clawing out your eyes. Low frame rates, awkward proportions, and downright ugly character designs obviously show the inexperience of the crew behind this pointless exercise in clumsy storytelling. Even the minimalist musical score sounds like a cheap keyboard banged on by a hyperactive four year old. As with many shlocky OVAs of the 80s, Roots Search's staff was a cavalcade of mediocrity and wasted talent from the get go; character designs by Sanae Kobayashi (Crystal Triangle), writer Michiru Shimada who would later pen Urusei Yatsura and animation director Hiroshi Negishi (Bounty Dog, Suikoden Demon Century). Lastly, this was the directorial debut of Hisashi Sugai who would later go on to create such enduring classics as 'Sweet bugger all else.'

Thankfully, Roots Search has since faded into obscurity along with many others of Central Park Media's 'one hit wonders'. However the soundtrack on vinyl has a wonderfully Engrish song title: 'Scratch My Breast.' After watching this OVA I can safefully say I am scratching my head in shame that this was licensed by a distributor let alone released in its current state.

• Lame-ass alien design: 4/5
• Philosophising for Dummies: 4/5
• Unsolved ending: Off the scale. 

-Oli, 13 August 2009 (original date)